my songs
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
mor quots
The Pearson's are proof that family angst is very funny. Check out these funny lines from The Bill Engvall Show! Have more funny quotes? Share them with other fans on The Bill Engvall Show message boards."When did shrapnel become a fashion accessory?"- Bill in Good People "If I leave, you're gonna start kissing her with your tongue and then she'll get pregnant."- Bryan to Trent in Good People "Did the coach teach you to put on a condom?""I don't know what football was like when you were growing up, but we're generally just a pass and catch situation." - Bill and Trent in Good People "What kind of game is that?""It's called paying bills and there's no winning." - Trent and Susan in Good People "I was happier at third string. The coach leaves you alone and you can hang out and drink Gatorade and you get a great seat for the game."- Trent to his mom in Good People "You kids think you're funny, but you can't take back heart damage."- Bill in Good People "Me and my mother are fine. I visit her once a week. I clip her toe nails and file off any calluses."- Bob to Bill in Aloha, Raffles "I only meant to lie to the kids. You just happened to be in the room."- Bill to Susan in Aloha, Raffles "Raffles has an ulna? I thought he was a boy."- Bryan in Aloha, Raffles "What are we supposed to do?""Read.""No, seriously."- Trent and Susan in Aloha, Raffles "Technology can be a cruel mistress."- Bryan in How Bill Met Susan "As I recall I was an easy delivery. Not like watermelon McC-section here."- Trent talking about Bryan in How Bill Met Susan "Did you hear the good news? They got baby Jessica out of that well."- Paul to Bill in an 80's flashback in How Bill Met Susan "TJ Hooker that hurt!"- Bill after hurting his elbow in 80's flashback in How Bill Met Susan "According to my research, a boat is a popular place for girls to go wild."- Paul to Bill in Have You Seen the Muffins, Man? "Isn't he the most wonderful family counselor you ever saw? And he looks like Kevin Costner."- Bill's mom in Feel Free to Say No "You want to argue about this then let's argue naked.""Fine. Ok. Anything to move it along."- Bill and Susan in Feel Free to Say No "I'm going to leave you alone now to ponder the depths of your male stupidity."- Susan to Bill in Jealous Guy "When I had my mid-life crisis, I got a corvette and a Korean wife."- Bob in The Birthday "I'll never forget the day you were born. It was the most excruciating pain I have ever endured. Like I was being torn apart by teams of horses."- Bill's mom to Bill on his birthday in The Birthday "Why don't you just get me a Rascal with an oxygen tank."- Bill to Susan in The Birthday "As a hair transplant specialist, I don't usually say this to my patients, but I think we should stop here. We really want a delineation between the hairline and the eyebrow."- Paul to a customer in The Birthday "When I look at you I still see that same handsome guy with the mullet and the Ted Nugent t-shirt that I fell in love with years ago."- Susan to Bill in The Birthday "Fortunately for me, mental health is a never-ending problem."- Bill in Go Ahead, See if I Karaoke "Please guys, if you're gonna do that be younger and not my parent."- Lauren to her parents who are kissing in Go Ahead, See if I Karaoke "I'm not desperate. I just want a date really bad..at all costs...with anyone."- Paul to Bill in But That's Not Fair "Fine, I'll drive. But no pressing the OnStar button to talk to the dispatcher, Nina. That's for emergencies only.""Oh, a lonely heart isn't an emergency, Bill?"- Bill and Paul in No Gifts Please "I'm sorry, but I don't need Susan mad at me. I rely heavily on her leftovers."- Paul to Bill in No Gifts Please "I'll tell you one thing, I'm cutting that kid's fingernails in the morning.""And his toenails too. It's like trying to sleep through a knife fight."- Susan and Bill talking about Bryan in No Gifts Please
funny quots
I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability. Ron White
Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it
Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist. Jeff Foxworthy Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip. Jeff Foxworthy Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it. Jeff Foxworthy Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? Jeff Foxworthy Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work. Jeff Foxworthy For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors. Jeff Foxworthy Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it? Jeff Foxworthy I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together. Jeff Foxworthy I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did. Jeff Foxworthy I know God is real. Jeff Foxworthy I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Jeff Foxworthy I really don't require a whole lot in life. Jeff Foxworthy I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away. Jeff Foxworthy I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument. Jeff Foxworthy I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods. Jeff Foxworthy I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie. Jeff Foxworthy I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points. Jeff Foxworthy I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family. Jeff Foxworthy If men have a smell it's usually an accident. Jeff Foxworthy If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.' Jeff Foxworthy If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck. Jeff Foxworthy If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck. Jeff Foxworthy If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck. Jeff Foxworthy If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck. Jeff Foxworthy If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck. Jeff Foxworthy It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time. Jeff Foxworthy It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old. Jeff Foxworthy Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on. Jeff Foxworthy My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this. Jeff Foxworthy My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family. Jeff Foxworthy Nothing in life prepares you to be famous. Jeff Foxworthy Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately. Jeff Foxworthy People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school. Jeff Foxworthy Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling. Jeff Foxworthy That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring. Jeff Foxworthy The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house. Jeff Foxworthy The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him. Jeff Foxworthy The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. Jeff Foxworthy The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more. Jeff Foxworthy There's no down time any more. Jeff Foxworthy Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door. Jeff Foxworthy What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do. Jeff Foxworthy When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain. Jeff Foxworthy You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. Jeff Foxworthy You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. Jeff Foxworthy You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it. Jeff Foxworthy You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it
Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist. Jeff Foxworthy Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip. Jeff Foxworthy Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it. Jeff Foxworthy Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? Jeff Foxworthy Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work. Jeff Foxworthy For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors. Jeff Foxworthy Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it? Jeff Foxworthy I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together. Jeff Foxworthy I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did. Jeff Foxworthy I know God is real. Jeff Foxworthy I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Jeff Foxworthy I really don't require a whole lot in life. Jeff Foxworthy I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away. Jeff Foxworthy I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument. Jeff Foxworthy I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods. Jeff Foxworthy I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie. Jeff Foxworthy I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points. Jeff Foxworthy I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family. Jeff Foxworthy If men have a smell it's usually an accident. Jeff Foxworthy If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.' Jeff Foxworthy If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck. Jeff Foxworthy If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck. Jeff Foxworthy If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck. Jeff Foxworthy If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck. Jeff Foxworthy If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck. Jeff Foxworthy It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time. Jeff Foxworthy It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old. Jeff Foxworthy Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on. Jeff Foxworthy My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this. Jeff Foxworthy My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family. Jeff Foxworthy Nothing in life prepares you to be famous. Jeff Foxworthy Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately. Jeff Foxworthy People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school. Jeff Foxworthy Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling. Jeff Foxworthy That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring. Jeff Foxworthy The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house. Jeff Foxworthy The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him. Jeff Foxworthy The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. Jeff Foxworthy The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more. Jeff Foxworthy There's no down time any more. Jeff Foxworthy Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door. Jeff Foxworthy What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do. Jeff Foxworthy When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain. Jeff Foxworthy You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. Jeff Foxworthy You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. Jeff Foxworthy You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it. Jeff Foxworthy You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
finly got internet at home
so i got enternet to day so mr groff cant get pissted off at me any mor and funny song thank god im a pubic hair and i did not go hunting to day dut going first thing in the morning so hell ya
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
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